??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
