I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
