There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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