I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
