Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
