you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
