I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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