You just made me feel so damn special
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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