Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
