guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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