I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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