I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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