A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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