Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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