so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
