We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
