Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My dick has a subreddit
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
