How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
