you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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