Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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