I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
