He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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