please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize