I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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