i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
