i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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