I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
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I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
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just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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