just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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