Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
