google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
