Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The air taste purple.
Randomize
