my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just invented taco cereal.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
