so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
