I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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