Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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