HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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