Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
