She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
