I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
