I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
