The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
