People with herpes should wear stickers.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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