Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
FUCK WHALES
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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