I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Sext me about skeletons
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
