He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
