If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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