im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
