There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
