At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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