brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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