dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
