Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
