Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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