What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
