I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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